Yeah… Change

They say things like “you aren’t supposed to change” or “don’t let them change you” when you start dating someone. Or one of my favorites, “you need to find someone who accepts you for you and all that you are”.

But I think it’s all bullshit advice.

You see, I have very much changed since my most current relationship.

• I used to wake up and make the bed everyday.

• I showered in the morning versus at night.

• I care more about others than myself.

• I never hit cancel on the microwave.

• I couldn’t sleep at night without having the tv on.

• I used to have to have the dishes done the second they were in the sink.

• I always had the heat on.

• I was more involved in my community and friendships.

• I used to drink to cope.

• I rarely sat around at night watching movies.

• I used a new towel every single time I had to shower.

• I wore my shoes on in the house.

• I was always on edge.

• I needed the last word.

• I was constantly the one visiting everyone; friends, parents, family.

• I took much more pictures and documented much more of my life.

• I wash my clothes at a laundry mat now.

• I rarely made grocery lists.

• I wasn’t much of a homebody.

• I ate just enough calories to keep myself alive.

• I constantly needed approval.

Some of the changes in the above listed behavior has been for the better. Some, has been for the worse.

You see with relationships, it’s never a one size fits all.

A few months into dating my current boyfriend; I came home and found a cup of straws on his table. Why? Cause he knows I like to drink with a straw.

See things like, the laundry mat and making my bed… they are minor behaviors compared to coping with alcohol and the constant need for approval. But those were all changes I made recently.

I have found that there is always going to be change with every relationship you have; it’s finding the one who is worthy of the change, good and bad; not good or bad that sets the others apart.

I was married to a good man. He was good to his friends. He’s a good father. He was loyal to his family, his circle, his bubble. But the things that mattered outside of that. The things that felt scary and unsafe; that had a negative effect. The things that were truly hard and couldn’t be bought with money. That couldn’t be pushed aside and just better the next day, he walked away from. I changed everything I was for that person and he left me; he left me searching for myself in a time that was the hardest time of my life.

I dumbed down my feelings for his friends and siblings. I convinced myself I was the one in the wrong. And he let me change the parts of me I felt were broken and damaged; he let me because it benefited him.

The key is finding someone who isn’t going to put you in a situation of making changes to who you are when your near rock bottom. finding someone who wouldn’t expect you to change the damaged parts; who knows you need reassurance at certain times. Who asks for calls back or guidelines. Someone worthy of your love is the person who doesn’t manipulate or make you feel shame or guilt fir genuinely calling someone out when they are wrong. The key is finding someone who knows you, knows you are worthy and helps make you a better you. Despite that damaged past.

So yeah, I don’t make my bed anymore and I have stayed home more than I’m used to. You bet I have gained all the weight I worked my ass off to loose and I have stopped being the family/community butterfly… but someone has made the changes for me because he has decided I’m worthy.

I‘ve weighed the risks and if anything OUR three boys are worthy. It’s all worthy of a life that hasn’t been able to be made yet; but has potential; it’s beyond worthy.

He’s changed things too. And that’s the point. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

The ones worth building the foundation with and growing with are the ones who have set aside what they felt was the “expectation” and actually stuck around for the uncomfortable change.

The ones making the change with you.

The ones who don’t fault you for it. Who don’t blame you for the hardship, change inevitably brings.

Because we know there are always going to be negative and positive changes to a relationship. If not, then one of the people in the relationship are living in denial and falsehood. They are being emotionally manipulated and will eventually break someday.

I would rather be forgotten by a whole family and community I built six years of a life up with than to have continued living a life walking into a room where those same family and friends talked behind my back. Where they pretend any mental illness and trauma and emotional abuse is just fake. Or worse yet that it’s all made up in my head and/or something to just easily “get over”

Do you know it’s been damn near a year and nearly 60-70% of the people at my wedding haven’t yet to reach out to ask if I am ok. I never wanted pity. I only wanted honesTy. Not I truly just wantbreal and genuine people with compassion for others in this life. I wanted a family who accepted me for the little things I was willing to work on and change.

Because I have never stopped working on it I’m never ending. I’m constantly engaging in therapy and acknowledging my shortcomings. I’m constantly coming up with new ways to be a better version of me. A stronger and wiser me. A less “emotional” and “painful” me. Because outside of my mother/father and maybe a friend in a half, a family friend, another friendbwho was involved in my life for nearly 12 years and the occasional therapists I have done it all on my own and continue to bringbmyself up from the bottom every-time .

The people who got angry at me for being me. Wanted more from me than they were willing to give back because they couldn’t forgive and love me harder when I needed it.

That’s the thing. I gave it my all and I do everytime I give myself to someone. And no matter how many times I try. How much I beg and relive the memories/past I am constantly reminded that I was never worthy of the change. The uncomfortableness. The relentlessness. The forgiveness. The digging deep and knowing I was in for the long hall. The ugly. The bad. The painful. I was willing to accept it all for what it was and do that now with who I’m with.

I always do.

I made a friend who loved me that way and I was made out to be a cheater for loving him back. Sometimes, the people meant to be in your life are put there for a reason. You don’t have to love them the same way they love you. But they can love you and show you how you deserve to be loved. I hate that the second that happened to me and was worthy of it I blamed myself. The second I held someone responsible for letting me go. For allowing someone else to see that in me instead of seeing it himself. The second I was honest about the emotional and financial abuse. The double standards. The lack of respect of a diagnosis; I was made to be a cheater. A liar. And worse off. I was told I didn’t deserve to have my child Jointly during the divorce.

Everyone I believed that cared turned on me and hasn’t reached out since. I’m shameful of that. Because I deserved better people. Better friends. I deserved a village who had my back without having to have the upper hand and knew I would come back tenfold.

So the changes I have made have been because I stopped searching for a person. I stopped fighting for a relationship and I stop expecting anything less than simple. Than happy and minimal. I am less intense because I can’t be the me I was made to be because it leaves me lonely and lied to.

I can’t admit to what happened and expect anyone to have sympathy because honest to god, no one gives a shit.

But I can live my life and love my son. I can continue living my life with the man I’m with, who does what he knows how to make me happy and hope I am worthy of a life that is worth fighting for. I can be ok with simple changes in my life such as not making my bed and going to bed at 10:00p. I can admit that I coped with alcohol and had to have constant approval of everyone.

But I now do neither.

You either take me or you walk away knowing I was that person.

Because,

I’m. A. Damn. Good. Mother.

And I sure as hell give my all to the person I love. If you don’t know that by now then it’s your loss.

Your missing out and I’m tired of being reminded and it being shoved in my face that I wasn’t the woman I was supposed to be for someone who can’t even acknowledge the role I once played in his life. Who didn’t shed a tear in court. Who still blames me and uses the same bullshit excuse when he’s mad.

I am simply the woman I am and do make the changes worthy of changes for someone, someday who CHOOSES me and me only, to spend the rest of their life with.