https://www.yourtango.com/experts/carin-goldstein/6-signs-youre-married-bully

The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.

The Devil’s Quiet Sister

Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse and it’s aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.

What Does Emotional Abuse Look like?

Emotional abuse is a series of behaviors intended to control, manipulate, and confuse the victim.

It is a kind of psychological trauma inflicted to create a power imbalance in the relationship.

It can be shown in some of the following ways

1. Control and Domination

They may control your money and your spending.
They may treat you as an inferior person.
They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
They’re excessively possessive and jealous.

2. Isolation and Neglect

They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.

3. Bullying and Humiliation

They may call you names, or label you.
They may belittle your success and triumphs.
They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
They may accuse you of things that you never did.
They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion

If you’ve been emotionally abused-know that it’s not your fault. There’s also not a “correct” way to feel about it. Emotional abuse isn’t normal, but your feelings are.

You might be in denial that you are in fact being emotionally abused at first. It can be shocking to find yourself in such a situation. It’s natural to hope you’re wrong.

Short-term effects

You may also have feelings of:

confusion
fear
hopelessness
shame

Long-term effects

Studies show that severe emotional abuse can be as powerful as physical abuse. Over time, both can contribute to low self-esteem and depression.

You may also develop:

Anxiety
Chronic Pain
Guilt
Insomnia
Social Withdraw or Loneliness

Does emotional abuse lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)?

Emotional abuse doesn’t always lead to PTSD; but it can. PTSD can develop after a frightening or shocking event. Your doctor may make a PTSD diagnosis if you experience high levels of stress or fear over a long period of time. These feelings are usually so severe that they interfere with your daily functioning.

Other symptoms of PTSD include:

angry outbursts
being easily startled
negative thoughts
insomnia
nightmares
reliving the trauma (flashbacks) and experiencing physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat

Emotional abuse can lead to mental and physical symptoms that shouldn’t be ignored. What works for one person may not work for another. When you’re ready to begin recovery-know that there is no correct way to start.

Also know, not everyone is ready right away. Sometimes it takes time just accepting what is/isn’t. There is grief in learning that you may not be with the same person you sought out to be with from the beginning.

“My own recovery was filled with so much turmoil. I would take two steps forward only to find staying in the environment or the relationship that caused the pain would hinder growth and I would then find myself going three steps backwards”

At one point last month during my bi-weekly therapy sessions, my therapist said to me, “Melissa, when are you going to stop letting this relationship set you back in the growth you’ve made? Is there going to be a date because you’ve succeeded in healing from your past trauma. Why are you inviting new forms of it in your life?” It was then I realized I was enabling my perpetrator by not making the decision to cut it off. I said to my therapist “today!” I walked out with the intent of choosing to not allow the abuse. In all honesty it didn’t happen that day and I’ve had some minor moments. But each day since that session I’ve felt encouraged to make the change and to stop accepting what I know I don’t deserve.

When you’re ready to take the next step, you may find it helpful to start with any of the following:

Reach out for support

You don’t have to go through this alone. Talk to a trusted friend or family member who will listen without judgment. If that’s not an option, consider joining a support group for people who have experienced abuse or trauma.

Get physically active

Exercise can do more than just keep you more physically fit. It can help you

sleep better
keep you sharp
reduce your risk of depression

Even less intense physical activity, such as a daily walk, can be beneficial.

Get social

Social isolation happens so slowly that you don’t even notice it; it can make things far worse. Friends can help you heal. That doesn’t mean you have to talk to them about your problems (unless you want to). Simply enjoying the company of others and feeling accepted may be enough to boost your spirits.

Consider doing the following:

Call an old friend you haven’t spoken to in a long time just to chat.
Invite a friend to the movies or out for a bite to eat.
Accept an invitation even when your instinct is to stay home alone.
Join a class or club to meet new people.

Mind your diet

Emotional abuse can wreak havoc with your diet. It can lead you to eat too little, too much, or all the wrong things.

Avoid bingeing or skipping meals.
Avoid alcohol and drugs.
Avoid sugary, fried, and highly processed foods.

Make rest a priority

Fatigue can rob you of energy and clear thinking. Here are some ways to promote good sleeping habits.

Go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time each morning. Make it your goal to sleep at least seven hours a night.
Do something relaxing in the hour before bedtime.
Remove electronic gadgets from your bedroom.
Get room-darkening window shades.

Volunteer

It may seem counterintuitive, but volunteering your time can help ease stress, anger, and depression. Find a local cause you care about and give it a try.

When to seek professional help?

Although lifestyle changes may be all it takes for some people, you may find that you need something more. This is totally OK and normal. You may find professional counseling helpful if you’re:

avoiding all social situations
struggling with depression
frequently fearful or having intense bouts of anxiety
having frequent nightmares or flashbacks
unable to carry out your responsibilities; whether it be work, school or as a parent or significant other
unable to sleep
using alcohol or drugs to cope

Talk therapy, support groups, and cognitive behavioral therapy are just a few ways to address the effects of emotional abuse.

Don’t be afraid of the stigma behind therapy- it’s designed to help you solve problems that may be too big for to handle on your own.

11/2020

#WisdomWednesdays-Emotional Abuse is Still Abuse