Vulnerability....

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” … Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” - Brene Brown

Ever since I can recall...my heart has been both my greatest and weakest strength. Everyone who knows me would agree or they have made a similar statement in reference to my character and the way I love.

Even after all I’ve endured the past decade; I choose to have a heart that keeps giving and loving unconditionally. I am the one who continues to rebuild it each time on my own and when I love, I love till I can’t anymore. I even told my husband that after everything we went through this year, I still love him. He said “thank you” looked me dead in the eye, and said that I haven't changed. That I, “blast my business for everyone to see and to create a storyline. That I do this to create attention so that everyone knows my business and I can gain sympathy. That I idolize being a victim”

The irony is I have made the changes. He has just chosen not to see it.

I keep trying to find the closure I need to accept that who I was when I married my husband and who I am now in addition to who he was prior to marriage and who he is now are not the same people. Yet, without the closure; I live with this idea that if I can change. That the love that was once there can resurface because I always believed that love trumped all “bad/good/sickness/health/ugly/pain” and that of most emotions, trumped...fear.

Over the past six months, prior to him filing papers on me; I had finally stopped living in fear with loving him; hence me still being vulnerable three months into being blindsided by papers served to me on our wedding anniversary. In all the multitudes of times I’ve apologized, admitted my wrongs and tried to right all of them; I get nothing but coldness, a silent treatment and I get no acknowledgement. I have had little to no understanding from him and I never was told goodbye.

I have never had the closure I felt I deserved and time and time again, I am reminded that I will never get that from him.

like previously quoted above:

“Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don’t become gray out of nowhere. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A HEART DOES NOT TURN COLD, unless it’s been treated with coldness for a while.“

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With that being said...

never forget that

The journey of grief, healing and acceptance is no one else’s but your own.

PTSD can look very different in men versus women. The contrast in symptoms displayed between genders can even cause it to look like two separate disorders believe it or not.

So let’s talk symptomatically

(1) Stress responses activate a hormonal pathway in the brain called the hypothalamic/adrenal/pituitary (HPA) axis.

(2) This releases the stress hormone cortisol. The more severe the trauma, the more cortisol released. In individuals with PTSD, the HPA axis response is dysregulated.

(3) People with PTSD generally have lower amounts of cortisol circulating through their bodies. These levels spike when a traumatic memory is recalled, and the memories don’t fade over time like they would in people with normal-functioning HPA axis responses.

(4) Therefore, if a traumatic event happens to a woman while she is in the luteal phase of her menstrual cycle instead of follicular, she’s more likely to develop flashback symptoms and PTSD.

***The HPA axis is more sensitive and responds more strongly to stress in females than males, especially during certain points in the menstrual cycle. If a woman is later in her cycle, her brain will release more cortisol***

So scientific evidence shows this happens chemically in the the brain makeup and hormones of a female who has underwent trauma.

Women are more likely to experience:

• Emotional numbness

• Avoidance symptoms

• Mood and anxiety disorders

• Shame and self-blame

Feelings of shame and self-blame often accompany sexual and interpersonal violence.

How people cope with post-traumatic stress can also be based on society.

(1) Women may feel more comfortable talking about their feelings with loved ones, which can be often looked at like an excuse.

(2) While men may turn to substances or become irritable—even angry—at others to try to cope. Which again may look like an excuse.

What Is Delayed-Onset PTSD? Delayed-onset PTSD describes a situation where a person does not develop a PTSD diagnosis until at least six months after a traumatic event. In some cases, the delayed onset of PTSD can be even longer. For example, some people may not begin to experience symptoms consistent with a PTSD diagnosis until years after the experience of a traumatic event.

So in retrospect, as complex as the disorder already is, add years and layers of additional behaviors that are often perceived by those who haven’t experienced the disorder as being an “excuse” for horrible and demoralizing behavior.

Going Back to Being Told I

“blast my business for everyone to see; to create a storyline. To create a lie to what is true. That I do this to create attention. To allow everyone to know my business. To gain sympathy and that I idolize being a victim”

is one of the most coldest things someone has ever said to me.

The Idea That Someone

that has underwent trauma uses it “as an excuse” for their behavior is the exact thing that creates more fear and self-blame. It in all honesty, contradicts the healing process and treatment for those who are willing and ready to open up about what they physically, mentally or emotionally feel/felt, which by definition are symptoms of trauma induced anxiety.

—> If you are a survivor of life-altering trauma-

and the story has built up far too long inside. It may be time for it to come out. If you have told someone, you may not realize this, but subconsciously, you are at a point in your life where you are ready for change in how your body is dealing with it all. That change starts by letting go of fear and trusting; we choose certain people to trust for many different reasons. Some we choose because they have promised to love us in sickness in health. Or we trust those we feel wouldn’t leave. We feel safe from judgment and to asking for help. For me, telling my husband when I did was because I believed he would help heal me; since he heals others on a daily basis as a career. This man studies medicine and treats symptoms and I trusted him to understand that all the anger and impulsiveness for a brief amount of time was symptomatic and that I was getting the therapy and help to overcome it all. I trusted him to stay, to defend me and to protect me. In turn he left.

That, in all reality has the potential to leave even more damaging psychological scars to what I started opening up about to him about in 2018.

So please know, when telling ones story of abuse, it’s never for pity or sympathy. I’m going to demand that people, despite thinking they can be convinced otherwise, be mindful of saying that exact statement; no matter their opinions on the topic. Are there circumstances where people have used trauma as an excuse for their behavior certainly; even without a stress disorder, anger and fear can make you say things in the moment that you don't truly mean but when someone acknowledges that behavior, starts to work through it and is making sense to the emotional tie as to why they are acting that way; then choose to not continue to "make the excuse" why is that not forgivable?

There is without a doubt a major difference between using trauma as an “excuse” or for “attention” and trauma being a “root cause” as to why someone may react/do/feel or be the way they are in the moment they subconsciously may be triggered. Some victims want the never-ending-cause-and-affect-game to just stop; for me it got to the point where I just want to be accepted, acknowledged for why I was reacting that way (subconsciously) and it all be validated so I could then move forward into my life as a better and more whole person.

symptom

noun

1. a physical or mental feature which is regarded as indicating a condition of disease, particularly such a feature that is apparent to the patient.

2. subjective evidence of disease or physical disturbance. broadly : something that indicates the presence of bodily disorder

excuse

verb

1. attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify.

noun

1. a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense.

There's a fine line between the two; but it's stupid to say that trauma and hardships don't shape future behaviors. The data is there, humans operate in pretty neat little patterns, so therefore it's clear that when X happens that Y has an increased likelihood of also happening in the future. Human behavior isn’t black and white when it comes to science.

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When I began CBT therapy I noted my toxic and disrespectful behavior to others (especially the behavior I portrayed during EMDR therapy - thats for a whole different story)

I acknowledged it. I laid it out to my husband, my family and even his family and I apologized. I apologized until I was blue in the face and have continued to take responsibility and work to be better. It wasn’t until I was made to believe that doing such a thing as admitting that, wasn’t good enough anymore for my husband.

During that time I was lied to. I was told everything-even before the marriage and who I was never truly made him happy and the diagnosis “wasn’t real to him” that I am simply this way with or with out the diagnosis.

For someone like myself; who got through the treatment and dealt with years of self-blame and guilt to have to be told this was all my fault. That “this is just who I am” and that he no longer could love me for how I behaved was unbelievable.

but with time, I realize now- I am not my diagnosis and I NEVER once used that as an excuse; I encouraged the constructive criticism, which helped me acknowledged everything for what it truly was. Not for how it has to be... or what he believes I am now. I never have been my diagnosis and never will be. Nor am I to accept a man, especially one that gave up on our marriage, telling me who I was then and how I am supposed to be now.

Me using a blog to tell my story as a platform is part of MY healing.

It provides a purpose and its by no means for the attention. Sorry if you don’t like the part you played in my story; but if you left I had no choice but to pick up the pieces alone. I still have to carry on and be the best I can be for my not only myself but more importantly my son. That’s not attention seeking. That’s the truth. And the truth will set you free.

The Silver Lining

If you only knew how often I am told the truth of my own story and the real life shit and feelings I’ve had the courage to talk about has helped others; get the help, talk about the trauma or be a better wife/mother. It’s almost daily.

My story isn’t to serve me anything;

I have found the peace and acknowledgement for everything that it truly has been. My story has been told to help others to not feel so alone like I did for the past two years. It’s been told to help encourage those from feeling guilty or being told they are “dramatic” or “attention seeking” for talking about something that is real.

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“You aren’t rising above by hurting others & justifying it with your past; You rise above by learning from it and setting examples for others to follow.” - M

Thats why a vulnerable heart is often said by those who have no idea what it’s like to be damaged, to be worn on the sleeve of one who seeks attention. I dare you to look at that differently. Vulnerability is the most bravest thing you can do and the most corageous act of love out there. You risk it all by putting it out there; and those who take your vulnerable heart for granted time and time again-risk never being given the gift of being loved by it anymore as well. Vulnerabilities separate the cowards from the ones who aren’t afraid to be real and do the right thing, even if it is messy for a brief moment.