“The most important day of a person’s education is the first day of school, not Graduation Day.”

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The thing about motherhood is it takes your emotions to a whole new level of intensity you never knew existed. Your joy will be beautifully overwhelming. It’ll make your heart stretch and nearly burst on a daily basis. The frustration and exhaustion? Those will be magnified, too-even though you’ll wish everyday that they weren’t. But the realest is all the emotion will send you flying and bring you to your knees and make you see everything around you in a brand new light-it’s love.

“A mother’s love is the strongest emotion you will EVER experience. In fact, I think it’s the most powerful thing the world has ever, ever known.”

Mom & (of course) Owen’s first day is preschool 2020

I dropped my son off at his first day of preschool. Of course typical Melissa fashion, I go to the wrong campus, confuse the secretary staff at that school and inevitably we are late to Owen’s first day; on top of forgetting to fill out the health screening. Either way, I didn’t mind being late, for it was a few more minutes of singing lion king with my son in his true blissful innocence.

Due to the COVID19 policies, parents can’t come into the school, so we are greeted at the front door of Owen’s new preschool and he immediately shows his new teacher, Ms. Liz, the state of California, which he chose to bring Today. Before I could even hug Owen goodbye, I start crying. Of course when my son sees me cry, I tell him they are happy tears, because my God, they so are. However, I know they are a mixture of happy, scared, sad and angry tears. Ms. Liz barely knowing me says, we aren’t supposed to hug due to COVID right now, but I’m going to hug you anyways and gives the biggest hug, saying “I know right now theres multiple things going on, but today is going to be a good day. Just know we have your son and Owen is safe with me.”

I kiss and hug my son goodbye all while telling him to be the best boy ever and I have to quickly turn and leave before I make it worse. I get but four or five steps down the sidewalk and can hear Owen say “I miss mommy and Cooper” and he start crying while looking back for me.

If you haven’t felt your heart break, that will do it.

So of course I start crying real tears now and make it to my car to head to work. While enroute, I stumbled across a familiar face, one of whom I have grown to know very well over the past two years. This woman is helping younger children cross the street. So, I slow down, roll my car window down and say “hope you are having of good morning!” Noticing me all red in the face, she says “Hi Melissa” and I inform her that I just dropped Owen off for his first day of preschool. I jokingly say, “So nowI am just bawling my eyes out on my way to work” She looks at me with so much compassion in her face and says, “It gets better honey, I promise. It will be easier tomorrow and the day after, believe me”

So here I am, believing it will get easier.

When you first find out your pregnant, you do everything in your power to stay healthy and make sure that baby grows to term. You keep him/her safe and you have control of doing so. Everyone and their mother tell you their own labor experiences, what items to buy, what things not to worry about and make commentary such as “you will see” They all have input as they are only trying to provide reassurance and advice to help you with something so unknown.

It no longer becomes an unknown after 34 hours of labor and nearly loosing you and your son‘s life during child birth. My son was nothing short of a miracle and he is my entire world. People can talk. People can suggest. People can love your child too and believe they know the answers; but a mother’s intuition is THE STRONGEST FORCE IN THIS WORLD. Your child is the only other human being who knows what it’s like to feel your heart from the inside in ways you’ve also felt. Sacrifice, gut feelings and unconditional love becomes all you know as a mother. Everything else you do, is just simply trial and error. I think many respond out of necessity and say it gets easier because it has to and they likely have raised a child of their own. But, I believe it’s less about it getting easier, but more so that we as mother’s just simply get stronger. We do what needs to be done. We become homebase for our child, because we provide the safe space to feel nurtured, to be given grace, to smile and feel soft hands rubbing their backs or heads when they are upset.

I know it’s just his first day of preschool. But to me, as Owen’s mother, it feels like a piece of my heart is out walking around without protection from all the bad things and mean people.

So, yes tomorrow will likely be easier. Because each day I do this, especially as a single mother, I gain strength.

“Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”

While there are many methods, tools, philosophies, and biblical principles to parenting, there is in my opinion, only one purpose or destination.

To eventually… release them into the world.

As much as we want to hoard, protect, keep, board up, or lock up our kids, it contradicts the ultimate purpose for us as parents: Our calling as parents is to love, nurture, protect, nourish, care, mentor, disciple, teach, correct, raise up, empower…but ultimately; to release, to send out and to send forth.

So here’s to the start of a new chapter 👩‍👦