The Emotional Switch

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In the most recent publication of the DSM, the DSM-V, PTSD symptoms are grouped into five different clusters. One or more symptoms are required from each of these clusters in order for a patient to receive a full diagnosis.

Those clusters include:

1. Stressor – (one required) The person was exposed to injury or severe illness that was life-threatening, which includes actual or threatened injury or violence. This may include at least one of the following:

• Direct exposure to the trauma

• Witnessing a trauma

• Exposure to trauma by being a first responder, such as police, firefighter, medic, or crisis counselor

• Learning that someone close to you experienced the trauma.

2. Intrusion Symptoms (one required) – The person who was exposed to a trauma then re-experiences the trauma in one or more ways, including:

• Flashbacks

• Nightmares

• Distressing and intense memories

• Distress or physical reactions after being exposed to reminders, known as “triggers”

3. Unpleasant Changes to Mood or Thoughts (two required) –

• Blaming self or others for the trauma

• Decreased interest in things that were once enjoyable

• Negative feelings about self and the world

• Inability to remember the trauma clearly

• Difficulty feeling positive

• Feelings of isolation

• Negative affect, and difficulty feeling positive

4. Avoidance (one required) – This occurs when a person tries to avoid all reminders of the trauma, including:

• Avoiding external reminders of what happened

• Avoiding trauma-related thoughts or emotions, sometimes through the use of drugs or alcohol

5. Changes in Reactivity (two required) – This occurs when a person becomes more easily startled and reacts to frightful experiences more fully, including symptoms of:

• Aggression or irritability

• Hypervigilance and hyper-awareness

• Difficulty concentrating

• Difficulty sleeping

• Heightened startle response

• Engaging in destructive or risky behavior

• Difficulty sleeping or staying asleep

Many people are unaware that untreated post-traumatic stress disorder can have a devastating effect for both those who have the condition and their loved ones. It not only affects relationships with your family, friends and others, it can trigger serious emotional problems and even cause health problems over time.

How People Describe their PTSD

A person who describes his or her PTSD may say something similar to these sentences:

“I don’t want to think (or talk) about it.”

“I can’t get it out of my head.”

“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“I keep having panic attacks.”

“I feel like it keeps happening over and over again.”

“I don’t want to go out/see friends/visit loved ones/participate in activities.”

“I just feel numb.”

“My life is not normal anymore.”

“I can’t remember what happened.”

“I keep having nightmares.

PTSD and my Marriage

Not one person I know, purposefully forces PTSD to enter a marriage. It is something that simply isn’t the survivors your fault and something he/she would of ever been of been able to change. It was your loved ones fault. It goes without saying that, to me, this diagnosis wasn’t something that defined my marriage. It didn’t mean that my husband and I couldn’t have grown stronger because of it. He just lacked the ability to accept that I had to change. When you google “PTSD and Marriage” what you usually find are a numbers of websites and articles listing discouraging divorce statistics, most of such are disheartening to read. When you can’t comprehend what someone‘s body is feeling when it’s associated to a specific emotion it becomes difficult to navigate.

Of course, I am not a doctor, but I have learned a lot over the years. What I have found is that PTSD and marriage do mix; believe it or not. Its the exact definition of loving someone for all their good and bad. It is nothing more than providing unconditional love, understanding, and never leaving the person who fears the worst; love, the belief your partner will never understand and the victim expects all loved ones to leave. Comparitively, a couple wouldn’t divorce for the reason of one partner losing an arm, or having cancer. So why would a couple separate when a behavioral health issue surfaces? It just takes someone who loves you a little harder and CHOOSES to not leave you in your hardest times.

The first year of my husband and I’s marriage was absolute hell, or as close as you could get without it being out and out abuse. We argued about everything: money, schedules, money, our son, money, our parents, food, money, attention, family, money, our feelings and values. Nothing was off-limits and admittedly at that time I felt I had to have control, as I was displaying multiple symptoms of PTSD, while engaging in intense EMDR therapy. I didn’t feel like we were present ever with one another, especially while being in the same room. That is not how marriage is supposed to be; let alone our first year of it.

I have minimal recollection of some of the things said during these blown out altercations, but what I remember ever bit of is how it made me feel. The turning point in my healing happened a few weeks after I had successfully completed EMDR therapy. That day, an argument began between my husband and I and all I remember is seeing red, retreating to my bathroom and physically hitting myself in the face; causing myself to have a black eye.

I had made so many strides forwards at that point and I was not going to go backwards. At that time, our lease was about to be up and I needed room to breathe. I needed space. I needed to think, I needed to see if we both were willing to change. But I also needed to continue showing what it was I learned through therapy, so I removed myself from what I found to be a toxic environment. I swallow my pride more often than not when I’m told by Brian that I left the marital home. From my point of view, I was walking away from a toxic marriage that was most definitely triggering intense and toxic behavior. This was not exhibited by myself but by my husband as well. With time, therapy and space; I desperately tired everything to save our marriage. I tried every tactic I could possibly think of to keep our family from being ruined, or worse, our caree’s and sons life being totally destroyed had I stayed. Prior to leaving I thought

“Not only if I love him enough, he will see that I have had the chance to work through it all, I will be me again and he will love me back“

But thats the thing, that was only going to work if he truly saw my reasoning for doing what I did in the first place. What I did was a selfless act to relinquish our relationship and more importantly impact the environment our son was exposed to. So I reassessed, redirected and reengaged in the marriage by working on me. I continued on through CBT therapy, I began working on my finances and owning up the angry and stressful behavior I showed the year prior. When I was ready, I jumped feet first into repairing what we had broken in less than a year. But it was more of the same; I walked on eggshells trying to avoid any and all conflict. I tried setting boundaries and following his rules. I started living my life for my husband and his happiness. Still receiving minimal supper or understanding of what it was I just underwent. I did something it took a decade to do.

I chose love over fear.

That’s the thing. You simply cannot think your way out of trauma, it’s not a critical thinking type of topic. Which is why the day my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore was extremely difficult. It hurt even harder hearing I was the cause of our son’s behavioral and deficit issues, that I left the marriage and family unit and that I live in a delusional world.

It hurts in ways unimaginable that my husband, a doctor at that, helps those in their bouts of trauma/emergency. But he had no problem walking away during my darkest time. Who after months of me begging for him to not divorce me. He lied, said he wasn’t going to ever do that and had already been preparing to file a petition.

The hardest part was having to swallow the words coming out of his mouth, after being told he wasn’t divorcing me because of my PTSD; he‘s divorcing me because he believes the behaviors I’ve shown are just me. That its nor PTSD, its “simply who I am.” He is wrong.

The things that hurt you, that caused you pain do not define you. Nothing that broke you or caused you the most intense damage, deserves the right to define who you are. They are things that happened to you that greatly affected major parts of your life. Sure. But they are also evolved you as a person and changed you. Do not ever give them, or those who leave you during your diagnosis, the right to define your beautiful, brilliant soul.

What does define you is your survival. The ability to have experienced terrible things and still find it inside yourself to survive; to have the kind of courage so many lack the ability to have. Your trauma and those who do not support it, does not get to control you or trick you into believing that it is the only thing about you that matters. I have forged myself from the depths of dark sadness and am working of ridding my old ways. I’ve come out, borne of heartache and pain and that doesn’t define me.

So no honey, you are wrong. That is not who “I am” for I am a better, braver and stronger version of the woman you met seven years ago and I’ve finally found peace in owning that part of the story, that in fortunately may never be told.