Thank You - Closure

To the people who have continued to check in on this website daily...

clo·sure

/ˈklōZHər/

noun

1. an act or process of closing something, especially an institution, thoroughfare, or frontier, or of being closed. "hospitals that face closure"

finality

Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what's finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities.

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Thank you for coming into my life. But more importantly thank you for leaving it.

You taught me that I can let my walls down and I don’t have to be guarded, but just not to someone like you.

You were a lesson and you taught me I’m not cold like I fear I have become. That I’m not broken as I felt I have been for the better part of a decade. The ME that I know; she is still here. The one that gives and loves with everything she has even when it’s hard; even when there is no closure.

But I thank you because now I realize the effort I give will never be more than the effort I receive.

l will never let a man make me feel disposable.

I will not let someone come into my life with all the right words, painting a picture of what we could have, just to leave when I appeared flawed, only to come back whenever it’s was convenient for him; and that’s on me.

I’m smarter than that.

I’ve always said that “once I’m gone, I’m gone” and it’s a rule. A rule I may have waivered on for a minute; just a minute though. Don’t worry that rule is still instilled and is in full force.

So thank you for showing me my worth again.

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Thank you for showing me your true colors; for proving you have the scientific and mental capability and capacity to know that what happened to me wasn’t my fault and why I hurt and broke the way I did.

Life and people are forever changing and while I may have not been the same woman I was in 2014, why is that a good enough reason to walk away from a promise made to be there through sickness and in health.

My only wish is for the man I once knew, is to someday truly stop when the world is at its craziest. To set aside the pressures of family and perfection and to someday think back on the challenges I overcame as a woman and a mother; hell as another human being after my world had been turned upside down. To you, life was the same. You had the wife who made whatever adjustments had to be made and the beautiful addition to our little family. Day in and out it, you knew it wasn’t going to change for you; because your purpose had been honored and supported by so many who loved you; including myself. And my God I took it all on. I never tried to change that. Nothing changed at its core in your world, because myself, my family and our son’s livelihood revolved around the decision you made when I had just started dating you, to become the best doctor possible.

But everything I knew to be me at my core; what was once honored and no longer a part of me-nothing was the same. I had lost my purpose after serving and I masked it daily by following you around the state for your passion. I left jobs and stayed home with our son for 14 months and during that time I was forced to sit in my own thoughts and feelings trying time sort out why I deserved what happened to me so long ago. I did that while trying to be a rock for you and our newborn baby. We’re there days I could of cleaned better. Sure. We’re there days I could of complained yes. Of course. But I forced this healing on us as a family to be better in every aspect of our lives. It took guts and strength and I give credit where credit is due. I know it wasn’t easy to endure such negative symptoms that painted me to be broken and simply put a different person. But at my core I promise and begged you to believe that promise that I never changed the love I had and willingness to overcome my flawed past. I never sat in my ways and chose to not get better.

YOU, however chose to walk away from the life promised. Because you didn’t want it anymore.

I’m not sure what hurts more.

A husband who chooses to walk away from his wife when she was her utmost lowest point because he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

or

An emergency physician who willingly chose not to help heal someone who for a very brief amount of time was symptomatic to a disorder that went undiagnosed and untreated.

I was beyond capable of fighting through it all and coming back to you. I’m sorry you lost faith in that, but I never did. For that, I now finally have the closure I need.