So, What is Next?

Exciting things ahead - check back soon!!

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When it’s all said and done those who left and doubted me will quickly come to realize that I wasn’t out to play games. I know what I want and I have known all along. I just needed to take the time to do it all for the right reasons.

That being for myself

I am no longer wanting a relationship with someone per se. I am craving something that goes beyond that term. I desire partnership. A person who commits to being by my side. Who encourages all the ups and downs, passed zero judgement and walks beside through all of life’s craziness. Some feel this is the definition of a relationship; yet to get to the next level you have to reach partnership with that person because life goes on with or without that person. They cannot be your sole reason for living. Nor can your sole purpose in life be living for them.

A little bit about my past

I’m unsure if you are aware, but I have been married once before and a disappointing as this sounds am 31 years old and am on my second divorce.

I have been a military and physician’s spouse. These were marriages that throughout time felt forced to maintain the “plan” set for me, because of being my husbands spouse. Ironically, I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and joining the Navy when I did was to help me gain confidence and develop discipline. So as I transitioned out of the service I began growing up and was still sorting out what it was I wanted to be.

Making a decision to apply for Law school as a mother at age 30 versus a young single 20-year-old is challenging. Yet, I feel I finally know what I want and how to go about getting it.

The Aftermath After my assaulted in 2011, I sought to find love and acceptance more than life itself. The first chance I had at it; I morphed myself into whomever my partner wanted me to be and lived his life with him. At that point in my life I just wanted to feel loved again. I loved my husband the the best way I knew how; but I had not quite found the correct way to love myself. As time went on resentment set in and emotionally I was triggered by everyone and everything. I wanted to make something of myself and wanted to have purpose again. I was the one in the shadows and held so much of my revolving feelings in with the pressure of being married to military and medicine.

The past two years, I have put the work in by healing from such shameful deep rooted trauma.

I have rediscovered so much about myself and in doing so have learned to admit my wrongdoings.

I no longer do what I feel I have to do.

I do and say what needs to be done and said; even if it’s an unpopular decision made on my behalf.

The expectation I’ve put on myself and that others have placed on me, the weight I’ve been carrying around for the decisions I’ve made and the lack of respect I had for myself in those relationships has damaged my soul. I no longer have room for that in my life.

So, here’s to a new final shot ;)

Thank you for leaving me.

Going through the healing process on my own has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. To keep all my shit together as a single mother and griEve my marriage in the mix of all just gave me clarity and made me that much stronger.

I am not my diagnosis and have worked my ass off in treatment and have managed it.

It was said to me that PTSD could not be compared to cancer but having been someone who actively lived with the disorder, I strongly disagree. Cancer is the one everyone blames when someone is diagnosed with it. When it can be cut out and further prevented. The chances of survival and living a normal life are much higher than most realize. With PTSD you cannot cut out the part of the brain that has been damaged due consistent trauma and arrogant comments of the symptoms being a “choice” when research shows otherwise. PTSD is medically something you can’t control and you have to work harder with your mind in controlling your body’s response to emotions more than any other disease out there.

If you wouldn’t leave your wife’s side during her fight with cancer but would leave while she undergoes treatment for PTSD then you are a hypocrit.

I now stand with 100% conviction and certainty in knowing I deserved so much better.