Self Sabotage- the ugly part of healing 🌻

I’ve had a tendency in my posts lately to to point the finger-but I believe it’s important to call yourself out on the bullshit just as much. So let’s talk about a very hard topic for most to speak about- SELF SABOTAGE.

Self-sabotage is when we actively or passive-aggressively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals. From my own perspective, doing this has almost always affected every aspect of my life; be it a relationship, a career goal, or a personal goal. Although very common for many to do, it is an incredibly frustrating cycle of behaviour that destroys self-confidence.

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There are many reasons why someone may choose to self-sabotage but many stem from a lack of belief in ourselves.

Why Self-Sabotage?

There are many reasons for self-sabotage, but three of the most important ones involve your thinking patterns, fears you may have in intimate relationships, and the tendency to avoid things that are difficult or uncomfortable.

When I began telling my soon-to-be ex husband about my trauma, one of the first things I said to him was “I have to do this on my own; I won’t be able to heal with you.” My initial reaction before even giving him a chance was to push him away. First, I know part of this was I didn’t want the overwhelming feeling of guilt in how my treatment was going to affect him, to take a drivers seat in my own healing. But it also stemmed from the weight of so much on my shoulders. Society views women who have been raped as broken and unfixable. How was going to get through any of this without feeling like I no longer looked strong like I had been?”

Over the course of the first year of my marriage, self-sabotaged it. Maybe we could survived my PTSD diagnosis if I hadn’t done as much self-sabotaged. I’m not sure-and we may never know now.

📝 But what is important to note is... I recognized my own sabotage now for what it is. If you are fortunate enough to understand what it was you did, when you pushed someone away subconsciously- don’t beat yourself up too hard for it. Some never get to this point. Most who do so, unless diagnosed with a personality disorder-are victims of trauma and emotional abuse that have minimal control over doing it and will likely never admit that their behavior patterns cause disaster. Be kind to yourself if you choose to be better. It takes huge amounts of growth to admit such action. Those who are meant to be in our lives-accept you for admitting it and move forward in your growth with you; those who truly love you do not punish you for it.

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Types of Self-Sabotage

One form of self sabotage is FAULTY THINKING. Our brains are wired to cling to the familiar, to overestimate risk, and to avoid trying new approaches. This tendency, known as the familiarity heuristic, leads us to overvalue the things we know and undervalue things that are unfamiliar. And when we are under stress, we tend to rely on the familiarity heuristic even more. When our brains are tired, we resort to old habits and ways of doing things, even if they don’t work well. We are drawn to go with the familiar, even when a different option offers a clear advantage.

In a study, researchers asked subjects to do a complicated word puzzle. One group performed under time pressure, while the other was told to take as much time as they needed. After the puzzle was done, subjects were told they had to do another puzzle, but were given a choice between a longer puzzle invented by the same person who designed the first puzzle or a short puzzle designed by somebody they did not know. The group who performed under more stressful conditioned were more likely to choose the longer puzzle, even though this would put them at a disadvantage. It’s as if their brains got confused trying to compare the advantages of length versus familiarity, and so they resorted to the “familiarity heuristic.” 

It's not always easy to tell when your brain is relying on a heuristic. Try to make important decisions when you’re not stressed and to consider the pros and cons of each choice, rather than just going with something that intuitively sounds like the best choice-but may not be.

A second form is FEAR IF INTIMACY OR FEAR ID REJECTION. We all know people have the ability to sabotage relationships when they reach a certain level of intimacy. Some people cheat, others pick fights or get controlling to push the person away, still others reveal all their insecurities or become too needy and clingy. These are actually unconscious ways our brain fears getting trapped or rejected if we get too close. “Insecure attachment” is unconsciously fearing a repeating past. Those who have endured trauma may have “triggers” that the brain and body remembers and begin to act without even realizing.

“I had no idea the chaos I was bringing to life until I was given constructive criticism from an objective third party-CBT therapy helped me become more self-aware and to notice the effects of my behavior patterns on my relationship.”

A third way you may self-sabotage is with PROCRASTINATION AND AVOIDANCE-by not dealing with a problem until it gets so big that you are forced to deal with it. Or not being able to discipline yourself to get work done on time. There are several potential reasons for procrastinating and avoiding. You may never have learned the skills to break tasks up into smaller pieces, or you may be too tired to plan out a schedule for doing the work. Alternatively, you may feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task or feel like an imposter who doesn’t have what it takes to succeed. Self-sabotaging by not getting started, staying up too late, or going out with friends or watching television instead of working is a very common pattern. In the short term, you manage to avoid the discomfort of anxiety filled, boring and unrewarding task. But in the long term, the things you’ve put off come back to bite you.

You may also procrastinate and avoid because you are a perfectionist. Perfectionists have a tendency to overthink things, or can’t decide where to begin. All of these outcomes tend to have an anxiety component. You can counteract them by giving yourself a time limit to choose or by allowing yourself to make an imperfect choice. It helps to see yourself as being able to learn from experience and improve over time. 

This is what researcher Carol Dweck calls a GROWTH MINDSET A growth mindset makes the possibility of failure less scary, whereas if you see your abilities as fixed, you are more likely to avoid performance situations or sabotage  yourself so your weaknesses won’t be clearly exposed.

Procrastination and avoidance in addition to addiction and impulsiveness can be ways of not taking responsibility for your actions. These behaviors allow you to blame outside factors, like not having enough time, if you do poorly, rather than admitting your role in not using your time well. Some of us fear success, because we shun the limelight or fear that others will expect more from us than we can deliver. But rather than facing this fear head-on, we tend to set ourselves up for failure instead. 

Self sabotage is likely an uncontrolled behavior; but once it’s brought to the surface-it becomes your responsibility to surrender and attempt to fix.