Just Because You Made The Right Decision

“Just because you made the right decision doesn’t mean it will always FEEL as though you made the right decision”

I’m not sure I will ever have the right amount of words and/or the correct type of words to describe how I feel or what I feel about the way my last relationship ended/stopped (whatever it was or wasn’t) but this is The Best Way I know how to find closure in it all.

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I know it gets better. I know I would eventually be ok and to be quite blunt about the whole thing; I have began seeing someone new (despite all efforts to run the opposite way)

And my God am I happy.

But he/the relationship isn’t what made me happy. I found that in having to fight like hell for myself while grieving not one, but two relationship all within the last few years.

This new relationship happened without looking, without trying. And sure, maybe it’s too soon. But it’s been said that if you find something/someone who makes you feel alive again then it’s worth taking the risk.

I found a million and one reasons to not take the risk last time and denied myself the opportunity to be taken care of out of fear. Out of never measuring up. Out of trying to love and give all I had while actively bleeding out from the last heartbreak.

I would be an idiot to not learn from mistakes made. Because isn’t that what all our experiences are supposed to teach us.

“You spent so much time serving your country, then taking care of a husband, your amazing little boy, then your friend and her daughters.... it's about damn time you had someone taking care of YOU”

I no longer feel I have to fight to make the relationship work.

I no longer feel I have to fight to be accepted for who I am as a whole (even if it’s unstable or messy).

I no longer feel I have to fight for the grace and acceptance towards finding peace in what happened to me.

I no longer feel I have to be punished for the way I’m built and the way I see the world.

I no longer feel I have to fight to heal.

I have slept more the past few months than I have in total the last three years. I can stop when in my moments of overthinking and/or reacting.

These are huge things for me; believe it or not.

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I say this all because, it got dark quick for me. It got dark and I got burned. I got burned bad. But it does get better. It did get better. It has been better.

But, I love that I’m allowed to feel like I do about my last relationship because honestly; the love I felt within my previous relationship was more than anything I had/have or ever will have in this lifetime. I hope to God he knows, there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not reminded of him in not only the big, but little things. I hope he knows there are moments I replay over and over in my head. There are days when I can’t wrap my brain around the fact I just stopped fighting for us. There are days the guilt eats me alive. Because it was worth fighting for and it was every bit of real. It was a love I never thought I’d be able to have and was very fortunate to have found; even if it was only meant to be for a small amount of time. But I finally realized I deserved to be fought for the same way back. When I stopped fighting, the relationship died. And that is finally ok.

“And now I'm glad I didn't know. The way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain. But I'd have had to miss the dance.”