I Promise

2 months.

That’s all it took to be convinced that not all men are the same.

That some men make a conscious decision and are willing and open to CHOOSING you time and time again.

That there is men (or a specific man in my case) who has decided I am worthy of being loved; wanted and appreciated for all the little things and big things and difficult things and complicated things. The things that change because of children. The not-so-fun things about my previous impulsiveness way of coping. There is a man that wants the sexy things and the not-so-sexy things about me. Who wants the monotony of grinding through the day to build a future. To be better for me and our children.

Yes, 2 months, that is all it took to not only say, but show with action that the difficultlies that come from split households and accepting a partner with PTSD and what comes from the reactive behaviors to being treated bad for far too long, lie within the willingness of a man; the right one at that, to CHOOSE me. That he know and is told daily that that I’m in; for the long haul. The end all be all. He wants the same outcome. So, no, I don’t care about time and there always needing to be more of it to say what I’m saying; because who knows how much time we ultimately get In this lifetime.

So, yes. I found a person who wants to fight for us as a we. Not someone who wants to fight against me.

I’m no longer with someone who wants to make me feel pain for making a mistake.

Who allows their father to bully and judge me.

I’m no longer with a man who told me I’m not worthy of having my son 50% of the time.

I no longer am in a relationship with someone who used the darkest parts of my past to manipulate me. To damage my career. To come out having felt he won.

I know longer and with someone who wants me to hurt because he can’t cope with the hurt in his life.

So, yes, when they say time doesn’t mean shit; for the first time in my life, I completely understand why. Because in 2 months, there is a man who wants to put the work in and earn the relationship. In two months, I have been respected more that I ever was in two of the most brutal relationships, one being a marriage, that took place over the span of 7 years.

The idea of soulmates is bullshit. In order to achieve anything in this lifetime, you have to be willing to do the work. Thats the same for a relationship. It is a decision to day-in-and-day-out CHOOSE to stay. To never stop bettering your best for the unit.

I spent years with people who believed it was easier to walk away. Who called me toxic, but only did so to gaslight their problems they weren’t willing to overcome. It is always easier to take the jail time then to rehabilitate and be put on paper. It’s easier to let it all go than fix what at the time, was temporary, lacking the correct communication and empathy for one another. What lacked the respect for what someone feels and CHOOSING to feel that pain from the one who was feeling its’s point of view.

But what I have found recently in my current relationship is much different. It’s much simpler than I’m used to and admittedly it causes some reactive and sabotaging behavior (I’m working on it) But the complexity involved in what it takes to be who I am at my core and the reasons why in addition to the person I am with having zero expectations to change who I am, is something that can’t be fixed or built into a partner or the previous partners I attempted to be with that had zero desire to be on that same level.

At some point, it comes down to accepting that LOVING SOMEONE is a conscious decision AND HONESTY, that means knowing it’s NOT ABOUT HOW THEY TREAT YOU when you say the word “I love you” The benefits of saying “I do” or “your the love of my life” isn’t as simple as just saying. You CHOOSING to love someone means you want their life to be better. Your being selfless, not focusing on what it is your gaining by being with that person

To me, that is shown in minimal effort and action during the grind and hardship of what is the day; and well, we as humans beings in the world and all it’s fucking craziness, know we can’t predict what is going to happen on the future. We will likely not know how we are going to feel one day into the next and CHOOSING to work through ALL THAT CAN BE PLACED ON SOMEONES SHOULDER during the 24 hours we are given in a day is hard to compartmentalize.

So, when I say that I FEEL I have found a person who allows life to be exactly what it is; feelings and all. Who never stops short of attempting to contribute to making a bad day better and does minimal to add to the hardship of a day; I mean that.

Because, that ladies and gentlemen is rare to find nowadays; also, it doesn’t hurt that he is hands down, handsome as hell (just saying)

But, yes, it’s a rare thing to find in the world we live in nowadays. It’s borderline fairytale shit; It’s cheesy and good. It’s a fools heart, rushing what wise men say only fools do; but it isn’t something we are guaranteed.

I want messy, fun and real. I want all the hardships and things that make no sense to fall on my shoulders when the person I decide to love and I CHOOSE to be with needs me the most.

That’s what I believe love is and I have chalked myself up as hopeless romantic; stopping no less at finding someone to love. Because, I know I love food.

But, I know now that love isn’t words or moments said in the heat of good times to bond you to a relationship. Love is what we do and how we do it in all waking moments of our day. In all aspects of how we present ourselves when the shit hits the fan.

Money. Status. Career. A house. A child. None of that will change what ultimately is up to YOU TO CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE the right decision in the moments that matter the most. You can give what you believe to be your all, but if you aren’t willing to accept that it may not be what is needed for the relationship, aren’t willing to accommodate and set aside pride, pain or resentment and aren’t willing to wake up the next day only bettering your best for the person YOU CHOOSE to be with, THEN do that person a favor and let them be with someone who wants all of the above mentioned things. Because, your in it for all the wrong reasons.

Life’s too damn short and too damn hard to live it loving someone out of expectations that you aren’t aware we’re expected of you in the first place.

It’s too short to not CHOOSE the person who despite falling asleep during almost every movie we watch together, tries the next night to stay up a bit longer after working 12+ hours of physical labor. It’s worth it to CHOOSE the person who makes you feel seen, heard, wanted, adored and most importantly accepted.

My God, I am so grateful to have found a person like that and most importantly, much wiser now KNOWING I SHOULD NOT HAVE EVER SETTLED FOR ANYTHING LESS.